Hello. The day is 8/2/2019. It’s 11:53 PM, and I shouldn’t feel lost. We went to a family’s house this evening. They are a nice family. About my parents’ age. We’ve known them our whole life, though that makes me feel scared. Never say a word in front of them. It’s easier to talk when I’m alone. Yet you wouldn’t believe it would you, how lost, utterly lost, I feel tonight.
There isn’t really an explanation for this. A lot of people don’t have friends. I do. Several aren’t my age. They’re my parents’ age. Most of my life, I’ve probably had more friends that were friends with my parents’ first than me. Is this complaining? I’m unsure, and if it is, it’s undeserved. My inboxes are filled with messages from several people. Am a jerk for not replying. It makes me nervous. There are a few additional people I want to hear from, though. Those people don’t really text. This night, riding in the backseat of the car with the AC pumped too high that I thought I’d crack from turning into ice, my gaze got lost in the vomits of lights bleeping in the darkness like stars.
I’m loved, and in a week, I’ll be moving to a place where no one loves me at all.
Did I tell you how I fell in love last Halloween? Don’t think this Halloween will be easy. What’s it about falling in love that makes you sick? Am ashamed of myself for falling in love. Never thought it would happen. Now, it’s easy to see when people aren’t in it. Or maybe it’s not love, though, that ensnared me. But the person I love, he can date whomever, and I’ll love him, and he’s so talented. He’s going to be such an excellent filmmaker. Someone needs to tell him that.
Maybe I’m lost because I’m angry. It isn’t good to be angry, no matter how “well-deserved” the anger feels at the time. In part, I blame my family for the fact that I “lost” the boy I love. But if he loved me, he would have waited for me. Or maybe he’ll still wait, or maybe he is waiting. Who knows. We saw each other the other day. He took me to a movie to say goodbye before the move. He wouldn’t let me pay for anything! I shoved a ten in his face a few times. He finally took it after we went and got a milkshake. Said he only took tens! I found a one though, and asked, “How about eleven?” and he took it. He’s a reasonable, rational fellow. Am glad he took eleven.
I’m not in love with love. There have been quite a few little possibilities for it, and one or two romantic men texting their hearts out in hopes to initiate it. But that doesn’t matter to me. Happiness is the main thing, and that’s usually more attainable in a peaceful, single, alone state. Christ is LOVE. Where has He gone? He hasn’t gone anywhere; it’s me who’s gone. I can barely crack my Bible open right now, and am miserable because of it. It’s hard. I kept praying for things over, and over, weeping, over the Bible. He has answered almost all the prayers clearly. So why won’t I anymore? My mind is distracted. “I will give you rest,” He says. But I’m a tihs fool. Am praying He’ll break me into complying unto Him. Come to think of it, maybe that’s what He’s doing. Maybe this lost and sad feeling is providentially going to drive me to His bosom.
It may not have been exactly Halloween, though I was definitely in love that night. It may have been the 13th of October, or a few weeks before. We went to a movie screening, and I’d hoped he would be there. He doesn’t talk much. He can. He does. But even then, he didn’t communicate that much with his voice. We made a movie, and I came to film. He sat beside me on this grass, walking awkwardly up as he did so. You could tell he wasn’t comfortable doing it. He’s brave. How brave! He didn’t have to. Yet he came up, and we talked all night. It was one of the best nights I’ve ever had in my life. And driving home, I think I cried. Such beauty had wrung my soul up, and I knew it would be a difficult journey, that path. But it was too late, and the fall had commenced. Never thought of it before, but boy, did he look beautiful in that white Aztec pullover. Was studying Native American literature then, and I’ll be! What a handsome boy. Scraggly beard, beautiful long hair that curled behind the cap that he wore backwards like a boy, even though he looked so much like a man. But the looks came later–it was his personality, his friendship, his soul, that came first. And yes, as a friend pointed out, she said, “He’s cute.” I didn’t think of that before she said it. Didn’t cross my mind the other way either! But yes, yes he was. He is.
He has a gentle voice and butterfly eyes. He coaxed for information then. “Why do you say that?” he would venture hesitantly when I’d suddenly stop in the middle of a sentence. He’s so caring that it’s easy to go along and talk with him, and suddenly forget you haven’t asked him anything, even though the whole time you’re wondering about him. He doesn’t always answer questions directly. Especially about his family. Boy, do I want to meet his family! I almost could have. He invited me to a Christmas party last year. I should have gone. Oh, but how could I? There was too much conflict about it. But oh, to have met his family and seen where he worked. Oh, I should have gone!
Lord, you’ve heard my prayers about him perhaps every night since that special night. They’re written down in Walmart journals, but I bought nice ones, Lord, because they’re letters to you. Please, Lord. Don’t let him be gone forever. If it’s better for him, if he’s happier, if the girl he’s dating now is a Christian, then what good are my pleas? Lord, You know what’s best for him. You know what he needs and how to give it to him. But Lord, why would you put him in my life only if he was to make me miserable? Or here’s a better thought, Lord. What can I do for him? What should I do for him? That’s the problem–have been so selfish. Tried to please You and the family (but really was only watching out for my own skin!!) by not being around him or messaging him for a bit. But every time I cried to You about Him, and decided to give up, you put him back in my life. He even reached out the night he announced he was dating someone else! How I miss him. I thought we could still be amazing friends no matter how. But then, it looks bad, probably. It’s so sad. He’s a fantastic person. He has prayed for me and the family even though we’ve probably not been the best to him. How he seems to truly love his mother! He is quiet. He is careful. He is beautifully clumsy. He is gentle, so gentle, so gentle. He’s so, so gentle. Lord, be with him tonight. Watch over him and his family. Give him peace, rest. Care for him. Take care of him. Make him have a wonderful senior year and a wonderful senior semester. Work in his life, Lord. I beg You!
Tonight I feel alone. There’s no reason to feel alone. You are with me, Lord. But I’m going to an unknown land. There isn’t anyone there I know. Am afraid of falling in love again, out of sheer loneliness, and not actually loving the person like this one ought to be. Am so afraid or failing. Am so afraid of walking out into the streets and feeling that heavy, stiffing, suffocating anguish that sometimes come palpably in lonely fogs or in quiet bedrooms and car rides or in doing dishes. There are people around me, but so many conversations seem so superficial. The ones that aren’t almost seemed forced because we hate small talk. There is so much to do, and so little time. And I’m alone, except that You are with me. Help me, Lord Jesus. Help me. Everything is sad and slipping away. As if it ever was in my hands! I’m only imagining things slipping through the finger cracks. Control was never, ever there to begin with. Still, Lord. Here is a public testimony, though written by an anonymous blogger: You have answered prayers! And I trust that You will fill the void and care for us all. You will make this nightmare part of Your beautifully written book a fairy tale in the end. You’ll show me Love, not simply love, and because of that, whatever you write in your stories of eternity will have a happily ever after.
Guide me oh my great Jehovah.
Goodbye, Dominique 