Prayers

I’ve struggled with forgiveness for at least three years. Two for sure, but three I think.

The pain sort of pours forth when your last straw has broken. You have a chance to breathe. To think.

All I can think tonight is about how much damage sin causes. It has made much dysfunction in our family. I believe it has contributed to so many impoverished relationships in my life. It has isolated me. It has isolated us. It has given me evil desires. I have let sin take hold, and I have defiantly let myself drown in various lusts. Again and again. Somewhere, in the darkness, I call out to God for forgiveness I don’t deserve. For restraint which I fight against. For peace and a softening heart.

Tonight, for the first time, I almost feel it again. Finally, a deep repulsion for my sin and a deeper love for those around me. A desire to learn about God a little more again. A hope that things can be set right. A strong, strong desire to be God’s.

How is it when things get bad I forget Him? And when bad things I like go my way.

Why have I gone astray and led others astray?

Forgive me, Father. I sin repeatedly, but You say You will forgive. Let me draw near to You. Let me have a gentle heart and quiet spirit so that I might be yours and stop hurting others. Cleanse my mind and fill it with light.

I cannot tell you how much I thank you that You haven’t struck me down or taken loved ones away from me. Rather, my beloved brother is talking to me again.

Please remove my mind from myself and turn it toward others. Turn it towards You.

I beg Thee Father. Do not forsake me or the ones I love. Do not leave us. Give me the trust of a child. Bless all.

Amen.